I used to think that a nervous breakdown happened all at once. That a break from reality was the result of one definitive moment. Something you could point to and say "Yes, THAT'S when it happened."
But that isn't the way it works. I think it happens by degrees. Subtle, little tiny moments that eat away until there’s nothing left. I am trapped here - my subconscious both the victim and the attacker; caught in a struggle where there will be no winner and no loser. There won't be anything left at all.
I suppose if I were a braver person, I'd let someone know. Then I could have the appearance of safety in my little room with no shoelaces, staring out a chicken wire window encased in safety glass that would let the fractured sunlight through. But I am not that brave.
If I was a smarter person, I could retrace my steps and find that one small moment that mattered. I could stop the domino effect that plays out each day. But the moment, though not insignificant was not enough for me to notice and say yes, this is what will define me in years to come.
I race from inaction, afraid that standing still will cause some calamity. I shy away from action, rethinking every decision a thousand times over, not wanting to make a mistake. Caught in a cage on a hamster wheel, running like crazy and never going anywhere.
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