DisOrdEr

Can’t I just be done now?
Can’t I say I’ve had enough, I give it back, I don’t want it,
    I don’t need it. 

Why can’t I go back to rushing through my day 
Stopping just long enough to maybe get a cup of coffee
that got too cold to drink
    Because I didn’t have time.
  
Now the coffee gets cold because I’m too tired
to even pick up the cup or worse
I’m too afraid to pick up the cup
and watch my hands shake as I try to

    Hold on.  

Now I stop all the time
    And rest
For no reason,
    I didn’t work all day
How can I be this tired,
    and have nothing to show for it 

The house is still a mess,
dishes still not done, paycheck is down
    How can I be this tired 

How much pain is manageable, I’ve tried and I’m not succeeding 
Mind numbing pain – the brain is a dull buzz
While the arms, legs burn with pain.
Or worse, painful stabs in all four limbs as the head
    feels like an implosion. 

How many times can I fall down and still try to pick myself up
I don’t feel like laughing about it anymore, it’s not funny anymore
I don’t like to go out in public by myself now – I’m not
    independent anymore. 

I want to kick and scream,
I want to shake my fist and shout
    It’s not fair…. 

And sometimes I do,
    but not today
Today, I sit with my head in my hands
    And cry for no reason
    For every reason

This doesn’t feel like my body, this isn’t what I expected
And I still try to smile, but I am afraid;
I cry when no one sees –
    try to hold everything in;

And I’m losing even that small bit of control;
it’s overwhelming – it’s madness
And I just want to be done now
    I’ve had enough.