Remember the time?

     Do you remember the time, when everything seemed perfect and real? When all the smiling faces seemed sincere; where every sunset was brilliant and peaceful? I remember and I can’t get back. 

     I see the smiling faces now turned to masks, covering the dirt filled years of compromise and soul selling bitterness. The white teeth bared just enough to let the light reach in and illuminate the sadness and self-loathing. I see the hooded eyes that keep their secrets buried beneath a thin cracked layer of denial. The masks kept in place to hide their reflections. 

     I can hear the wagging tongues, floating sweet words on warm breezes. Exchanging compliments with one another, the cawing of crows mixed with tinkling bells. The words only half received even as they are half given. Each party clinging to the truth they crave. The din of an operatic chaos begins. 

     I can see the gnarled hands as they grip their glasses filled with courage and denial. Clinging so tightly to the liquid that promises to burn away all the pain and erase all regret. The ambrosia hints at forgiveness, requiring only blind obedience in exchange for its small comfort. 

     I look now into the mirror and raise my glass in toast as my other hand reaches up to remove the mask. A slight hesitation as I take in my courage and adjust my mask. With my glass now empty and the warmth filling the cold spaces, I decide, today is not the day…. 

    Instead, today is yet another day to stare sightlessly through masked eyes at the sunset and remember the brilliant reds and yellows that used to wait for me.

ApRiL 24th

    I used to think that a nervous breakdown happened all at once. That a break from reality was the result of one definitive moment. Something you could point to and say "Yes, THAT'S when it happened." 

    But that isn't the way it works. I think it happens by degrees. Subtle, little tiny moments that eat away until there’s nothing left. I am trapped here - my subconscious both the victim and the attacker; caught in a struggle where there will be no winner and no loser. There won't be anything left at all. 

    I suppose if I were a braver person, I'd let someone know. Then I could have the appearance of safety in my little room with no shoelaces, staring out a chicken wire window encased in safety glass that would let the fractured sunlight through. But I am not that brave. 

    If I was a smarter person, I could retrace my steps and find that one small moment that mattered. I could stop the domino effect that plays out each day. But the moment, though not insignificant was not enough for me to notice and say yes, this is what will define me in years to come. 

    I race from inaction, afraid that standing still will cause some calamity. I shy away from action, rethinking every decision a thousand times over, not wanting to make a mistake. Caught in a cage on a hamster wheel, running like crazy and never going anywhere.